I miss you

I am having a hard time getting myself together this morning. I don't know why it hits me harder some days than others and some days I'm perfectly fine. Tomorrow will be two months since Aarons been gone and I thought I wouldn't have these days as often. I guess I don't lose it as much as I did a month ago, but its still so hard. I am drawn to the computer like a magnet everyday to look at Aaron's facebook and myspace, just to see his face.

I've lost loved ones before and know what it feels like to be sad and to miss someone. But never have I felt such profound sadness as I've felt these last two months. I've never felt the urge to talk to the ones I've lost before, yet I find myself talking to Aaron. I sit in front of my computer with a picture of him on my screen and I talk to him.

I think about how every year since they moved away from New Orleans, I couldn't wait for Christmas because we would all be together again, even if it was just for a day. I'd always joke with Aaron and make some comment about his hair or call him Gotti Boy. I loved watching him play with my kids. It didn't matter how old he got, he would always still roll around on the floor with the boys like he was the same age.

That will never be the same. Sure, Christmas will always be a time to celebrate because of Jesus' birth but I will always think about the last Christmas Eve I remember with Aaron. It was 2006 at my mom and dad's. I gave him a Hollister gift card. 2007 was wierd because we went to Meme and Honey's during the day and I can't remember Aaron being there. I have no pictures of him from that year and it makes me mad. Was he there? and if he was, why didn't I take a picture of him? Anyway, 2008 we didn't get to see each other because his other grandmother was sick during the holidays.

If it wasn't for the untimely passing of Meme (I love you, Meme) I wouldn't have seen Aaron at all in the last year. So for that I'm grateful. You may only get one chance to tell people how you feel about them so choose your words wisely. I wish I had done that. Now I say it everyday, but to a picture of him. It's not the same. It's not fair. Life's not fair. I love you, Aaron. I can't type anymore, too many tears.

Love to all,

Holly