Ok so here it goes....my very first blog. My friend Lizzy started a blog a few years ago and I always admired her writing. I never felt the need to share my thoughts with the world before but I've experienced a tremendous amount of grief in the past few months and thought writing my feelings down may help. I know, sounds cliche but hey, it's worth a try right?
So I'll start from the beginning. My awesome husband Paul has been into motorcycles since he was young and has had some form of two-wheeled transportation ever since we've been married. Well his latest toy was a dirt bike. On Feb 20, he was in an accident.....he is fine now, but it was very scary. He is lucky to be alive. He escaped with a concussion and a shattered wrist. The Dr. said he would definately need surgery.
On Mardi Gras day, Feb 24, we got a call 1st thing in the morning. When the phone rings before 7am you know it's not going to be good. My Meme had a massive heart attack. It was so sudden. Nobody was expecting that. She did suffer from Alzheimers but we certainly were not prepared for that. I loved my Meme so much. I lived across the street from her until I was 14 and then when Paul and I got married I moved into a house across the street from her again.
The day after Meme died, Paul had his surgery. He did well......until that night. Needless to say, he was in a lot of pain and I couldn't do anything to help him. Meme's funeral was two days later. It was a really hard day. Even though I was extremely sad, I knew she lived a full life and her alzheimers was getting harder and harder for my Honey (Gramps) to deal with. So I said goodbye to Meme.
As the days went by, it got easier and easier. Little did I know I was about to get blindsided!
On Sunday, April 19th I got a call around 9am while I was getting ready for church. It was my mom. She said Aaron had been in an accident. Adam and Aaron are my mom's brother's sons. They are also like brothers to me. I love my cousins more than words can say. I didn't think I was hearing her right. It sounded like she said he was killed. I did hear her right. That was the worst moment of my entire life so far.
Just so everyone knows what kind of person Aaron was, I have to tell you a little bit about him. He was the funniest person I knew. He was so goofy. He could always make you smile, no matter what. When he was a baby I used to rock him to sleep. Just thinking about it now, tears well up in my eyes. Aaron was special.
Anyway, that morning we went to church and I was literally falling apart inside. All I kept thinking was how am I going to get over this and why didn't I tell him I loved him and why did I go back to work after Meme's funeral instead of going back to Honey's to spend time with the family.
As I stood there during praise and worship, a vision began to fill my mind. I saw Aaron walking through grand double doors into the throne room. He had a look of complete awe on his face. God was standing before him and Meme was on one side and Aaron's Grandpa Rod was on the other. They were all welcoming Aaron into heaven. For a brief moment, I had peace.
Over the next few days I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to do something for him, for myself, maybe for closure. I don't know why exactly but I knew that God was putting something on my heart. I felt like God was telling me that I needed to sing at the funeral. I used to sing when I was a kid but because of something embarassing that happened to me I stopped singing. I hadn't sang in public since I was in 5th grade. This was a really big step for me, but losing Aaron made me realize that life is too short and I knew if I chickened out, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
I decided to sing Finally Home by Mercy Me. Once I chose the song, or I should say, once the song chose me, EVERY SINGLE time I got in my car it would come on the radio. I'm not kidding. It kind of freaked me out a little. The night of the wake, I was leaving work and I got in my car and said out loud, "I don't know if I can do this." As I started the car, the song came on the radio. I was like, OK, I hear ya.
Aaron's wake was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My Uncle Ricky and Adam spoke about Aaron's life and told stories about how many lives he touched in his short almost 20 years. The next morning I got the opportunity to speak to family and friends of Aaron's about how much I loved him and how I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would see him again one day face to face. I sang for him. I didn't know how I was going to get through the song. But then I felt him. It was as if he was holding me up getting me through it. I am so glad I did that. Although I do have regrets, thats one I don't have to worry about.
It's been a few weeks since the funeral and my Aunt and Uncle are going back to Florida where they live. I don't know how I'm going to get through this without them, especially my Aunt Gwen. We have a really special relationship. I am going to rely on God. He is my strength and He will carry me through this. The bible says in Proverbs, "Lean not on your own understanding..." so I won't. I won't try to make sense of it or try to understand why. I will just Trust in the Lord with all my heart.
Thats all for tonight. Love to all,
Holly
Although I never said the words, I'm sure you knew...........I love you, Aaron. There are a few things that will forever make me think of you. One is the beach another one is sunset. Maybe you were looking down on us yesterday and maybe you read this from heaven. There's a country song by Alan Jackson that makes me think of you and Meme and I heard it on our way to the beach. It goes like this, ".......flew up to heaven on the wings of angels, by the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees and she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting and I know she's smiling saying, Don't worry 'bout me." Could you please give Meme a big hug from me. The lady behind me in church this morning smelled just like Meme and I started to cry. I just sat there with my eyes closed picturing her manicured fingernails and her wedding ring. I miss you both so much. I know heaven is a much better place than earth and that you are having the time of your life. I'm sure you are the life of the party up there. And I know I'll see you again one day.
